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November 11th, 2009
02:51 pm - Been too long..
I guess I have kind of run out of things to talk about as of late. Or I have been just too busy. Or it seems like anything I want to write just seems to be an immature whine of how life is not going how I want it to blah blah blah that I just don't even want to bother.
Feeling better lately, not sick, no back acting up, slowly getting my energy back. School is super busy but not as hard as I anticipated 3rd year university would be. I still cannot believe I am a 3rd year university student though. Time does fly by.
I am going to apply to get into the honours program at school. Seems easy enough. It just requires that you keep your GPA at a 6.5 (b+) or higher, and take a few specified honours courses. I think it will also help me to get into grad school. I have my sights set on McGill. I love love love Montreal and it is a great school sooooo.
Love life is always seemingly complex and somewhat annoying. Sometimes I feel I am a better person when I am on my own and don't have someone else around. The only problem is that I sometimes get lonely and want someone to snuggle with. I have been seeing two people at the same time for a while now and by seeing I mean I only see them occasionally but consistently occasionally. We hang out and do stuff and enjoy each others company. One will never be more than what it is. The other could have been more but I have come to the conclusion that I don't want more if it means settling for something I am not entirely happy with. That being said, I hate how things have to come to some sort of conclusion eventually. That isn't to say I am not the kind of person that doesn't like to know what is going on, because I am. Which is why I say my love life is complex, because I am complex and quite honestly don't really know what I want. However, some fireworks would be nice. Do those still exist??
Work is going well. I am asst. manager now. Not much has changed though. I guess we are having a meeting about it to let the rest of the staff know what is going on, not that they don't already. A formality I suppose.
I just want to travel. That is all I want to do. I do not want to be stuck in Victoria for another full year.
Michelle and I are planning to apply for the International University Transfer Program at school and are hoping to get into the school in Hamilton, NZ. The only problem is that we wont be able to go til the 2nd semester of next year if we get in. Booo!!! I honestly think I will poke my eyes out if I have to wait that long to get out of here. I am considering a shorter trip somewhere in the summer just so I don't feel completely stir crazy.
Anyways, that is me trying to not whine about life and for some reason I feel like I still did. Whatever, life is good, my family is healthy and happy, I have a job, a decent home, I am thankful for everything.
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August 2nd, 2009
01:46 am - the end of an era...
I have come to realize that I really really do not enjoy the electronic music scene at all any more. I had fun volunteering and seeing some old friends. However, being out at the club and trying to get into the music and pretending to have fun while not completely trashed was really quite tiresome. I lasted until 1am and then finally was honest with myself about the fact that I was not having fun and should really just call it a night instead of trying to enjoy something I stopped enjoying a very long time ago. Time to hang up the dancing shoes and embrace a new phase of my life. It is kind of sad but I guess it is time.
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March 6th, 2009
11:14 pm - It'e been a few months
Not much to report.
School is crazy busy.
Got the second highest grade on my Anth midterm.
Organizing a fairly large fundraiser as part of a school project.
This is taking up most of my time.
I leave for vacation in 6 weeks.
I will be out of the country for 5 weeks.
I cannot fucking wait to not have to think.
One month left of school.
Two final exams.
One week in the states.
Followed by 4 weeks in Mexico.
Equals sanity.
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January 2nd, 2009
10:42 pm - sure why not
Stolen from Jen...
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Hmmm I didn't anything too memorable
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didnt make any
3. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Lets see ... got ready at home with sister, went to friends and had some drinks with the girls and ate some fondue, went to house party drank some more and played some rock band, went to club danced with cute guy, went to another club and nearly miss ex bf (phew), went to house party and finally fell into bed at 7am
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Sadly yes. My grandfather ... it was his birthday on NYE too =(
5. What countries did you visit?
Nonoe
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More balance in my life ... school work friends family healthy lifestyle (not just school and some work)
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Hmmm maybe my 30th bday party .... or maybe the day I bought my plane ticket to Mexico City
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Getting strait As in my 5 classes while still maintaining a life
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being compassionate enough to those who cannot deal with life so well sometimes
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Had some colds and the flu and I also became waaaay more lactose intolerant than I have ever been .... now I can't even eat things with butter without getting stomach pains
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hands down. Plane tickets
12. Where did most of your money go?
Flight tickets, bills, food, clothes
13. What song will always remind you of 2008?
None in particular
14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I wish I had done more running
15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish I had stressed out about school less, what a waste of time and energy
16. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter and True Blood and Lost
17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I try not to hate anyone ... sometimes I have a deep distaste for other peoples personalities but it is not the same thing.
18. What was the best book you read?
Love Medicine by Louise Erdrich
19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm Cocorosie
20. What was your favorite film of this year?
I can never answer this question .. I love films
21. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30, I invited all the people that I adore and there was a great turn out ... we played rooftop vollyball and drank then my sister had a party at her house and then we went dancing but I got kicked out of the club for being a bit too tipsy so we ended up at the strippers then after that we went to my friend Kates for drinks.
22. What kept you sane?
My alone time and movies and getting lots of sleep
23. Who did you miss?
Amanda, Jacky, and my grandfather
24. Who was the best new person you met?
Kourtney although I have known her for some time we just started hanging out and being friends recently and I quite enjoy her company. As we as Christine, she is amazing, she is a doctor and she is only 2 years older than me, she is the director of a program at Uvic and a teacher and she is very humble about her achievements. And she is hilarious.
25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Things are just things, problems are a matter of perspective - running away is never going to solve what is going on inside your own head, i would rather be alone than in a situation that seems like work. Haha sounds like a fortune cookie. Basically I need to sort out my life and make myself happy before anyone else can and I need to do what I am doing right now for me. If there was someone else involved I might be too concerned with making them happy to follow through with my dreams.
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October 23rd, 2008
10:28 pm - What's new?
Well, not too much lately but it has been a long time since I have written anything substantial in here.
I will admit facebook sort of killed this for me, and the lack of free time because of school.
I joined a soccer team with my sister and cousin, which I love because it is so much fun.
It is hard work but such a great way to say active and really challenging.
Also, probably the most exciting thing in my life, I bought my plane ticket a little while ago for Albuquerque and then Mexico City.
My friend Michelle and I are going away for 5 weeks at the end of April.
We will be in New Mexico for 5 days for the Gathering of Nations Pow Wow, and then we will be flying into Mexico City on the 27th of April.
From there we will explore the 3rd biggest city in the world, and then we will backpack around checking out mainly the state of Oaxaca.
I am really very excited about this because I have never really done much traveling and cannot wait to experience this.
I CANNOT WAIT!!!!
Other than that school is going swimmingly.
Midterms are almost over and I will finally be able to breathe a little before finals.
Love life is basically non-existant which I am pretty used to and am not too concerned with.
I don't really have time to be, with 5 classes, 2 work days, and soccer twice a week, I am not sure where I would fit that in anyways.
Granted snuggling and chilling is nice, but I have plenty of friends and family to keep me occupied.
I just figure if it is meant ot happen it will and I am not really going to actively search for anyone.
Also, I guess I just haven't really met anyone for a long time that I have wanted to make time for.
Life is pretty fucking good.
I hope all of you are awesome too!!!
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October 17th, 2008
06:27 am
Is it strange that I am disappointed when I get an A- on a paper?
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September 6th, 2008
05:56 pm
I have a date in an hour and I am not really nervous but I am having self doubts.
I hate being an over thinker.
It is only when the opposite sex is involved that I start questioning if I am interesting, pretty, thin, and smart enough etc...
Otherwise I am a pretty self confident person.
Destined to remain single?
Who really knows.
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September 3rd, 2008
09:16 pm
1. First name: Mayana
2. Age: 30 *good lord it feels weird writing that.
3. Location: Victoria B.C.
4. Hometown: Alert Bay B.C.
5. Occupation: Student/Server
6. Partner: Nope
7. Kids: None
8.Brothers/Sisters: Keith, Kecia, Seneca and J.J.
9.Pets: My two cats Leolo and Lola
10. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
-Just started school again after a long boring summer of servitude
-Have a new permanent roommate
-Planning a trip to New Mexico for a week and then three weeks of backpacking through Mexico with Michelle
-I am talking to an interesting fellow who seems relatively normal and interesting
-My life is completely drama free and I love it that way
11.Parents: Mom - Gerry, Dad - Fah (Alfred), Step Mom - Suzanne
12. Who are some of your closest friends?: Amanda, Fay, Michelle, Sarah, Jen, Eric, Kate, Seneca
13. Do you drink/smoke?: I only smoke when I am drinking and now that summer is over I wont be drinking for a while.
14.Tattoos/Piercings: I've had... 12. I only have 5 holes in my ears now and thats it. I have 3 tattoos. I don't think I will get anymore.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/sleepy.gif) sleepy
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July 21st, 2008
08:09 am - Being more present.
On the recommendation of two people I am rereading the book The Power of Now.
I was getting to caught up in the what ifs of life and was not enjoying the present moment.
I was making my self insane worrying about the future and what other people were doing.
I was living outside of myself completely and making myself miserable.
I was focusing all my attention on something I had little to no control over.
I am glad I caught myself before I did or said something that I would regret.
Now I feel more content and less anxious about the future.
There is nothing wrong right now so why worry?
I have come to the realization that the only person I am able to control is me.
I am a bit if a control freak and so when someone comes into my life of the opposite sex I tend to find someone with a weaker personality than I.
This way I can have things that way I like them and I have the element of control that I enjoy.
I can predict what they are going to do and even tell them what to do for the most part.
This time I picked someone that has stronger then me and it has thrown me for a loop.
It made my head spin because I had no idea how to make him do what I wanted him to do.
I knew that if I tried I would only succeed in pushing him away so I was stuck.
Now I know that the only thing to do is to enjoy what I have now and not try to control the outcome.
I will never be in control anyways.
That is just an illusion of security in a relationship.
There is never any certainty in any relationship.
There is only the present moment and if you waste your time worrying about the future and what might be you will forget to enjoy what you have right now.
I know that I am being all airy fairy and self helpy but I am trying to get a handle on the crazy negative talk that my mind spews forth.
It is not easy.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/awake.gif) awake
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July 14th, 2008
06:37 am - I don't know what happened
One day we are the gross cutesy couple and the next I don't here from him at all.
It went from him text messaging me like 50 times a day and calling me after work and coming here any chance he could get to absolutely no word from him since Friday.
I know that doesn't seem like a long time but considering how much we were talking before it seems like the cold shoulder.
I don't know what to think or do about the situation.
I am of corse thinking the worst.
How could I not?
I should have known better then to get excited.
It never turns out well.
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June 20th, 2008
09:27 pm - Three more sleeps....
I am a little afraid.
I don't remember feeling this intrigued by anyone since Steve.
I don't recall ever getting truly excited about all aspects of a person for years.
Part of me wants to run the opposite direction and the other part wants to let go of all inhibitions and just bask in the attention being lavished on me by him.
I want to jump in feet first and fall madly in love.
I also want to hide in my bedroom and pretend this is not happening.
I have all of these insecurities that keep nagging at me.
These are the things that usually ruin it for me.
Truth be told we both have the same worries and we are both feeling the same way.
He is constantly on my mind and I am always wondering how he is doing.
We have talked for hours and hours and hours over the last few weeks.
I feel more comfortable talking to him then anyone I can think of.
He makes me laugh, blush, swoon, smile.
I miss him all the time but I have not seen him for years and years.
He says that most fantastically romantic and sweet things to me (and it doesn't make me uncomfortable).
He is the nicest thing that has happened to me in a long time.
This whole situation as bizarre as it seems feels so natural, and as though it was just meant to be.
Like we were destined to find one another when we were both ready.
He even went so far as to say that perhaps we were together in a past life.
Cheesy I know, but in my culture we do believe in reincarnation so to me it is not that far fetched an idea.
When I complain about how much it sucks having to wait to see him he replies with: "I have been waiting for you since we were 13 years old. Another week is nothing."
He also claims that he has never had a bigger crush on anyone than me, when we were kids.
Part of me wants to just pass all this talk off as him being a player and trying to mess me around.
The other part of me trusts him completely already with my heart, and believes every word he says.
He is going to be here Monday afternoon and he is coming all the way here from Port Alberni just to see me.
We are going for sushi then we are going to spend the rest of the night here watching movies and maybe having some drinks.
He is staying with me for 3 nights.
He is coming camping with me to Sombrio for Fay's birthday.
He was going to leave Wed. but decided to prolong his trip another night to go camping overnight with me.
I am not going to want him to leave.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/excited.gif) excited
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June 14th, 2008
07:51 am - sooo sleepy...
The lack of sleep lately has been so worth getting to know him better
For the past three nights we have been talking on the phone until all hours of the morning
I describe him as the male version of myself to some people
Last night when we were talking he said the exact same thing to me
There are so many things that are exactly the same it is almost creepy
We tried to rationalize it by saying maybe it was because we were raised with the same values
We then came to the conclusion that just that fact could not account for the weird small things that are the same
I think about him all day long
He said that he thinks about me all day too
I believe him because he text messages me all the time
The whole asking our moms first has made this whole thing very interesting
My mom is just thrilled at the prospect of me dating a nice boy from home
As is his mother
Everyday when he sees her the first this his mom asks him is, "So how is Mayana?"
Which I think is adorable and he doesn't seem to mind
My mom was going on about how her friend/his aunt would be just thrilled
She was also saying that his great aunt and the person that named me would be so happy too
It almost reminds me of an arranged marriage because well we haven't even hung out yet and both sides approve
I keep teasing him and saying that we might hang out and not be able to stand each other
I don't think that is possible though
I have talked to him all day long almost everyday and I haven't gotten sick of him yet
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/giddy.gif) giddy
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June 11th, 2008
09:48 am - Update...
Okay so I met a guy
Well maybe met is the wrong word
Got reacquainted with someone I knew before
We went on this youth camping trip when we were teens together
And we saw each other a lot at potlaches when we were teenagers
He had the hugest crush on me
I thought he was a huge nerd
He lives in Port Alberni
His mom is from Alert Bay
He is half Kwakwaka'wakw
I never thought I would be interested in anyone from home
He is 8 months older then me
He is really sweet and almost like a male version of me
He is also incredibly beautiful for lack of a better word
He has the most amazing eyes that make me want to drool
We have spent the last few days text messaging and chatting online
Last night we talked on the phone until 4am
Neither of us really wanted to say goodbye
I was a little concerned because he is from home that we might be related somehow
I know that sounds weird but it is a very real possibility
Which is why I have never ever dated another Kwak waka'wakw person
So I asked my sister and she said that she didn't think we were
And when I asked him he told me that he already asked his mom and she went through their whole family and said we weren't
Which is a relief I still need to ask my mom because I am fucking paranoid
He is just really sweet and funny and I get excited just thinking about him
He has a lot of the same values as I do having been brought up from someone from home
He respects our old people and love children and treats women properly
He has been single for about the same amount of time that I have
He has two tabby cats just like me
He is just way to cute and sweet and he calls me stuff like muffin and pumpkin hahahah which is so cheesy but makes me smile too
We plan to go for sushi together when he comes here on the 23rd
I am freaking out a little even though it is a ways away
I try not to get excited about guys unless something real happens
I feel like I have not met anyone near good enough for me in a really long time
I can talk to him about pretty much anything
He doesn't get all silent when I talk about school stuff
Okay I will stop gushing about him
Cross your fingers for me...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/hopeful.gif) hopeful
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May 14th, 2008
10:38 am - At a strange place now
I have had three mini blow outs with three people in the past month.
Okay maybe mini is an understatement.
Blowout number one consisted of Fay and I breaking off our friendship.
Drama drama drama!
None of it really had to do with me but of corse being close to almost all parties involved got me dragged into it.
Needless to say it has been a few weeks since Fay and I have talked at all.
I go back and forth feeling like maybe I should just swallow my pride and patch things up and feeling like I am not missing out on much considering how selfish and immature Fay has acted in this whole situation.
Either way I am sure we will talk eventually and work things out.
I think I just need some time to figure out which direction I want to go in when speaking to her.
Number two consisted of me telling Josh that I will never date him and that him continuing to pursue me is making me uncomfortable.
I had told him before that I wasn't interested but it just didn't seem to sink in, so I had to be a bit more blunt about it.
I think it worked!
And finally number 3 consisted of my telling Andrew that he should just stop calling me because I do not like him as a person and I would never be real friends with because I honestly can't stand him.
I am not sure why I continued to talk to him.
Every time we talked I just found myself getting annoyed and irritated.
It could be the fact that he has taken to dating ex strippers and doing drugs.
Or it could be the fact the the only thing he ever talks about is BASE jumping, which I find immensely boring.
Any time I try to talk to him about anything real he just blanks out and it's like talking to a brick wall.
Regardless I think I am just going through another change in myself and I am moving away from putting up with certain things.
Feels good!
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April 26th, 2008
05:10 pm - So glad I didn't bomb sociology...
SOC 106 First Nations-Canada Present B+
FNCS 117 Indigenous Studies in Canada 2 A
CRIM 135 First Nations and Justice A
ANTH 240 Archaeological Method/Theory A-
ART 106 Indigenous Studio Art A+
Grade Point Average 7.6
I can relax now.
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April 22nd, 2008
11:07 am - I need luck
I just applied for a summer student position at the BC Association of Aboriginal Friendship Centres. The position is Program Assistant which I am guessing is primarily a admin position but is in a organization that does policy writing for Aboriginal communities and would be fantastic as far as experience goes. I just emailed off my cover letter, resume, and reference letter this morning. I really want this job. I just realized that working another whole summer as a slave to the upper-middle class elite of Victoria would be like being repeatedly raped over and over again. As much as my current job is safe and what I know I think I need something a little more challenging. Service jobs are really a dime a dozen.
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07:01 am - You know you are an over achiever when....
You check you grades and find out you got an A- and say out loud, "Fuck that I got an A-."
I knew that sounded stupid as soon as it came out of my mouth.
Then I had to comfort myself by saying out loud, "At least it is still an A."
I really want to win the award for highest GPA though and it looks like I should just give up.
I think MIchelle will get it because I will prolly have a 8.0 gpa this semester now.
Anth A- =(
FNCS A
Art A+
Crim A
I am just going to write my Soc. final today and then I will know all of my grades.
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April 16th, 2008
09:28 am - 2 out of 5 marks posted so far
A in Crim
A+ in Art
Two more exams to write... Anth and Soc
I feel like it should be over already but it isn't.
My marks give me a little boost though to keep studying.
I can't say I am looking forward to working all summer either.
I think I need a better job that isn't serving that pays me more than $12.00 an hour.
That isn't too much to ask is it??
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April 4th, 2008
01:52 pm
okay so I got the balls and messaged him on facebook and he added me,
we exchanged some more words today in lab,
after his group had all taken off he lingered around
i think he was waiting for my group to stop talking so he could say good bye
if nothing comes of it at least i had the guts to talk to him
=D
oh did i mention that he rock climbs?
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April 3rd, 2008
12:41 am - okay so...
I have had this really big crush on this guy in my Anthropology class this whole semester. It is really bad. I feel like a kid. We have only exchanged a few words but lots of glances and smiles. Every time he smiles at me I can feel myself blushing and I can't stop myself from looking away. I feel so foolish. Anyways there is a bit of a sense of urgency now seeing as we only have three more classes together and an exam and then I may never ever see him again. I have no idea what I should do. I don't really even know very much about him but for some reason I feel like I should maybe make the effort to talk to him. I am not sure how though considering we are usually in lecture and if we aren't I am usually with Michelle. He has been sitting almost right behind me lately though. Friday is a lab day too. Ahhhh it is obviously driving me nuts because I am up at 1am thinking about it. I could add him to facebook but that might be too stalkerish. I mean I don't even know if he is single. Okay I have officially lost it. The other problem is that I am so out of the dating mentality right now it's not even funny. I am not sure if I want to get into anything anyways. But if I don't at least maybe try to get to know him I might regret it. He makes me all giddy and nervous. No one does that to me. He must be special.
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